A Conversation with Seth: A Mormon with same-gender attraction shares his thoughts on the legalization of same-sex marriage

The other day, as I sat puzzled and mulling over the issue of reconciling my faith and my church's involvement in Proposition 8 in California, I felt impressed to talk to my friend Seth (name has been changed to ensure anonymity). Seth is a close friend of our family. He lives in California, is a full fellowship member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and also identifies as someone who lives with same-gender attraction. When the admonition from Salt Lake came for wards to participate in campaigning for Proposition 8, Seth's bishop, knowing his struggles, asked Seth to take the lead. The bishop knew of Seth's faithfulness and desire to heed the admonition but also knew that his exceptional circumstance would assure that campaigning would be conducted in an environment of love, understanding, and empathy. Seth accepted the call and was able, to my knowledge, to fulfill that calling in the desired environment.

Seth is one of my heroes. He is someone who has diligently searched for truth, found it, remained faithful to it, and all while in what some would find to be an exceptional and heartbreaking circumstance--living life as a "gay" Mormon.

Before I embark further in this post, I want to make it clear that most of the arguments used are faith-based. For some, this will be refreshing. For others, it will be frustrating. I know that some who are reading this do not share the same faith as me. Some find themselves questioning or denying the existence of any God. I want to be sure that no matter your view, know that I respect your right and desire to believe it. However, I also want to impress upon all who read, that while my faith may be manifest in a different way than your own, it cannot be removed from me. I would hope that just as I do not suggest that those who struggle with same-sex attraction can simply "turn it off," nor can I simply "turn off" my faith. It is a part of who I am and drives my thoughts, actions, and decisions.

I've copied, with Seth's permission, some of our conversation which took place over chat, below.

Amy: For so long I've pushed some of my views out of my mind in attempt to be faithful. But I'm finding they continue to effect me. I'm hoping there can be a way to reconcile my concerns and beliefs. 

Seth: .I think the problem is we live in a society that is fueled by the concept that happiness is being immediately gratified and satisfied. That everything needs to be "fair," that no one should ever lose or come in second etc. I think we need to realize that life is about choices and some make us happy and some won't, some will satisfy us now but will end up with us having nothing. I look at what you and Brennan have and that is what I want. I look at Hyrum and I see what is real. The power that God gave you guys to create him is power that was used in the right way. Does that make sense? When I look at things in the I want it now and I want it my way, that works if there isn't an eternal game plan but if there is, a lot of the things I want right now would complicate these things in the future. 

I know I come off as harsh and unyielding, people forget that I also struggle with these feelings. They don't see that I do understand the way they feel. But its kind of like knowing the results of something and not wanting someone you love to fall for it. Yes they have the right to, but you love them so much you don't want it to happen...I can't stand the hatred or bigotry or homophobia...but at the same time the people behind things like "it gets better" [campaign] also have a definite agenda which is not just to make those who struggle feel safe, love and accepted, but also to turn people who do honestly believe its wrong for doctrinal reasons into the bad guys, and silence them and anyone who would advocate for the gospel.  

...

Amy: Here's my question at the end of the day: why this particular thing? There are so many things that are ripping apart families and hurting society. Here in Alberta, where gay marriage is legal, the thing that is always brought up is common law marriage. Most of the members here believe that is the main reason for the deterioration of the family. I would also cite no-fault divorce. 

Seth: Amy think about this, what is the one topic that if Satan could use to tear down and drag down some of God's most faithful, sensitive and loving souls? 

Amy: [But] I wonder why this? why now? It's so hard to explain to someone who doesn't believe the gospel to be true that it's a matter of right and wrong. 

Seth: I look at it this way. Satan knows how this is going to end [the fight of good against evil]. He knows he is going to eventually lose. He knows his destiny.The only thing he can do is steer as many people away from the truth and the gospel as possibe before that happens. For some it will be blinding them with their own intelligence, for others it will be encourgeing them to think with their emotions, anything to cloud the real truth...if he can turn good people against each other he will...if he can make us feel that the prophet is a bigot then we will start to doubt all the other truths of the gospel and he does this by appealing to good things in us. Our sense of justice and fairness. These are for the most part good people and you and I both know that some of these guys and girls really do have real love for each other. So on the surface [it is] wrong but from an eternal perspective look at what it frustrates.That's the danger. 

Amy: I do still feel that [gay and lesbian couples]deserve rights though. Rights like being able to make decisions for their partner when dying in a hospital. Really, I just don't think that rights like that should [need laws].

Seth: I agree 100 percent...I think if everyone has the same rights to work, housing, healthcare and all that then we don't need special laws or special rights. http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700224421/Gay-Liberty.html This is an interesting question about rights. 

... 

Amy:  I want so badly to believe that people are good, that they'll do their best to respect one another and I know it's idealist of me, but I want so badly for it to be a reality. 

Seth: The problem with learning to respect ones beliefs is that the next step is allowing your neighbor to object to them and respecting their right to do so and learning how to live together otherwise. That is real tolerance. 

Amy: yes, and I want it. So badly. 

Seth: Well its why I do what I do. It's why I have the [professional] job I do but I think you are doing a better job. Do it by teaching Hyrum, by loving Brennan. Do it by example...look at the little guy, that is really the answer. 

Amy: I hope for a better world for him. 

Seth: Well make it a better world and instill in him the desire to do that.

As I conversed with Seth, I understood more clearly the reasons he felt the way he did about Prop 8 and about same-sex marriage legislation. I didn't include all of our conversation here, but he also listed various lawsuits and laws that have been enacted in California which, under the banner of "anti-discrimination," have simply discriminated against faith and freedom of conscience (i.e. a woman renting out a room of her home cannot specify the sex of the renter, an events company that was sued because they did not want to provide services for a same-sex couple ceremony, or even not being able to hire your friend's daughter as a babysitter unless she is unionized.) While to some these may be trite examples, Seth worries that they may just be the tip of the iceburg. He wants to ensure that rights and freedom of conscience are secured for everyone. For him, that means defending the definition of marriage as between a man and a woman. The article he shared with me describes a number of situations where those who wished not to participate in same-sex marriage ceremonies are currently, or have been, caught up in lawsuits. While I, and others, have suggested that these are peculiar cases, is it possible that the passing of same-sex marriage legislation could impede the rights of others? I had always poo-pooed the thought but I do believe it is a potential danger.

At the end of the day I realized that the main problem with the whole problem is that we live in an imperfect world. A world where the suggestions and ways of going about making laws cannot and do not allow for freedoms for all. Some people may find the one party's freedoms bigoted while the other may find the opposite's freedoms immoral. And so raises the question of what to do? Some have suggested that we simply pass laws to protect both parties.

But can it work? My husband is an accountant. On one of his first days of class, he brought home two gigantic books. These were two books (only two of them!) of the corporate tax code. I am not exaggerating to say they weighed a ton of bricks and were printed onto parchment paper. Here were thousands and thousands of pages of tax code. Why? Because a law had been passed to protect either an individual, a corporation, or the US government and then someone found a way around that law, which necessitated another law, which necessitated another law, so on and so forth. People could not, and did not, simply live the spirit of the law that had been originally passed and sought for ways to circumnavigate it. And thus the world needs accountants and lawyers who spend eons trying to navigate the laws and some times, trying to find yet another exception that will likely result in yet another law. In short, it's a mess. It takes forever to get things done and the result is a bogged down legal and corporate world.

And so I think of how wonderful it would be to live in a world where people could understand one another, appreciate one another's experiences, and want to protect one another. I wish we lived in a world where the rights of same-sex couples didn't even have to be a question, where the rights of religious groups of people were not challenged or ignored--a world where everyone received the love, protection, respect, and understanding that should simply be inherit with one's entrance into humanity.

But we don't and I realize it's ideal to expect as such. But I can hope. I do hope for a better world. I hope for a world where human decency and understanding don't have to be legislated into action. I hope for a world where all are loved and respected. I want it for me. I want it for my children. I want it for everyone.